…is the name of my newest blog. Not at all a replacement for this one–it was just created on a whim to celebrate mistakes. I’m in search of contributions! (Unless, of course, you don’t make mistakes. And in that case, I am flipping you off. Whoops! My mistake.)
Alakazam.
I feel like the magician standing on stage with the bird still in his hankerchief.
I said… ABRACADABRA!
Go! Fly! Be free! Disappear!
I’ve done what I thought I was supposed to do, and yet, here it is, my website, still here. I have reinventing to do! Go! Shoo! And then come right back. OK? (I’m talking to the website, here. Not to you. And not to myself.)
I think I forgot the pixie dust.
Hey, Asshole! Hello Friend, To Whom It May Concern:
So, it totally kinda sucks that you totalled dented and scratched my van today in the parking lot. Especially since you tucked tail and ran you filthy coward chose to drive away instead of showing your pathetic guilty face taking responsibility for your inability to drive actions.
But, it’s cool. I hate forgive you.
Really. To tell you the truth, I didn’t really even give a shit mind all that much. If you happened to sit around and watch (you creepy swine!), you could see that I scowled menacingly quickly glanced around the parking lot, but then got over it. Nobody was hurt–nobody was even in the vehicle which is why you were able to run you irresponsible pathetic chicken-shit. I am counting my blessings: my children heard a few new words today are fine, my sliding door looks like trash still operates, and I can still open the gas tank door to put in gas that costs fucking $2.65 a gallon.
I noticed that your paint (since it was scratched all along the side of my van!!!) was a hideous lovely bright blue, so I will find you, you rotten son of a bitch and I do so love bright blue. In fact, I glared at noticed every bright blue car on the road today. I hope one of them was you, you jackass criminal my new friend!
It happened in the parking lot of Goodwill. I was there in search of an old frou-frou prom dress for a photo shoot idea I have forming in my head. I left with a Norman Rockwell book and a Tori Amos CD. I hope you left with an inescapable cloud of guilt.
If you do happen to read this, I hope you have the balls to come forward and pay to fix my van because God knows I’m not gonna waste money on vehicle cosmetics know that you are forgiven. Perhaps you were diagnosed with a terminal illness today, or you lost your job, or you and your seven children are starving and homeless… Perhaps that is why you simply did not have the decency mental fortitude to add the responsibility of a car accident to your plate. If this is the case, you have my sympathy, my blessing, and my forgiveness. If this is not the case, then may you rot in hell you still have all of the above.
Because I’m sure your mother loves you. Namaste.
